Acknowledging Loss

Flower_Oct_arrangements002 This post is by Kerry.

Recently, I saw a tribute on Facebook from a woman that was running a marathon in honor of her daughter that had succumbed to cancer several years ago.  She was someone I knew in college, so my friendship with her was “com. out” between the time we graduated and the time Mr. Zuckerburg got his social media thing rolling.  I didn’t know about her tragic loss.

I often contribute to friend’s requests for charitable donations online.  It’s usually pretty painless and we set aside a certain amount of money each year for donations anyway.  After contributing the money, there was a place for a personal note.

My fingers were poised over the keyboard, not sure what to write.  On one hand, I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.  I didn’t want to appear as if I was soliciting a pat on the back (because, it is all about me, right?).  And, so many years had passed since my friend lost her daughter.  I almost just left that part blank and moved on with my day.

However, time moves differently for those who are grieving.  I know this truth because I lost my first husband sixteen years ago.  In my case, there was a flurry of activity around me for those first couple of weeks and months.  I was enveloped in the caring arms of my friends and family and knew I was surrounded by those that loved my husband also and missed him also. That was a comfort to me.  I did not feel so all alone.

But, people move on with their lives.  It is human nature and it didn’t mean they weren’t still missing him, it just meant that they were healing. I had his day to day absence in my life and still do. Even now with a full life and a wonderful family, I have this weird reoccurring dream about once a year in which he was actually alive the whole time and just hiding.  I’m not sure what a therapist would make of that.

Before this event, I often didn’t know what to say, or didn’t want to open old wounds, so I just wouldn’t say anything.  But since Brian’s death, I have always found great comfort in hearing other people talk about him or acknowledge his life in any way. It is almost as if their words keep him from slipping from this earth unnoticed by anyone but me.

So, I took a moment and typed, something like, she sounds like an incredible kid and have a good run, nothing earth shattering or of literary merit, but heartfelt.

And today, I have in mind to send a few cards out to family or friends that have lost someone in months or years past to say I remember.

 


7 Responses to Acknowledging Loss

  1. I think it is hard, because the world moves on, and you are still grieving. Sometimes it feels like no one else understands how you are feeling

    • Right, I could never believe how the rest of the world could go on with their lives (work, play, school) just like before when my life was never going to be the same.

  2. I agree. Remembering is really important, especially on significant dates. I have a friend who lost a partner seven years ago. I always send her a message near the anniversary of his death and his birthday acknowledging him. I think it reassures her that he doesn’t just exist to her now – he’s still important to others, too. By the way, Kerry, I have that dream from time to time about my grandparents and Joel has it often about his Dad. We have both pop analysed it, but what ever it means I think it is a common reaction to grief and loss. I’m sorry to hear about your loss, I’m glad Brian is remembered by the people in your life. E x

    • Karen, I am sorry, so sorry. I am no expert, but I can share with you my experience. For me, grief was like the waves of the ocean. In the beginning I was completely covered and exhausted fighting to keep my head above them all the time. Each week and month that passed, the waves of grief subsided a bit they weren’t crashing over me all of the time. Some days the waters would be almost calm and then suddenly something (or nothing at all) would cause another wave a grief to overwhelm me out of the blue. Those happened less and less as time passed. It doesn’t ever go away, but it does become manageable. Peace to you and may you keep your head above water during this difficult time.

  3. Glad to see this post. My friend lost her son last Christmas and I wasn’t around for the funeral. By the time I found out and was back in town some time had past. I happened to see an article about how to help someone with grief and they were saying that you need to focus on other things after some time last past, not keep bringing up the death. The author talked about how she would see someone 6 months or more after her family member had died and they would automatically start talking about the death and how sorry they were for her. She hated it and said it would reopen the wounds that were trying to heal and distract her from the wonderful day she was having, leaving her depressed. Many people commented they felt the same way, so I haven’t wanted to send my condolences to my friend. Her late son’s birthday is this week and there is a flurry of activity as a distant relation is trying to get her friends to put hearts all over their home on that day. I’ve wondered if I should join in and I think I have my answer.

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