On Sunday, even though I didn’t want to (what I really wanted to do was stay in bed and mope), I packed up the rest of the Christmas ornaments. And pulled the table cloth off the dining room table to wash. I felt kind of like a robot. Pick up ornament. Wrap ornament. Put ornament in box. Repeat.

I really would have preferred to get everything into one big green bucket, but I just wasn’t that motivated. Bucket number 1 has a little bit of room left in it:

Bucket number 2 has a lot of room left in it:

It definitely isn’t full, but I don’t feel like trying to repack everything so it fits into one bucket or deciding what else can be donated. I’m not in a place where I feel like making decisions. So, for now, that’s all of our Christmas stuff. The tree, two green buckets, a wreath (in the white odd shaped box) and a small brown box with the little village decorations we used. For now, that’s good enough.

We were all pretty grumpy yesterday afternoon. The kids were whining about doing chores. Whining about cleaning up after themselves. Slamming doors. I think they’re trying to process things, too.

And I could feel the anger just simmering. Right below the surface, waiting to explode. Until late last night when I talked to a friend I hadn’t talked to in a long time –  she was Kara’s BFF.  And she gave me such an amazing gift. She told me that Kara told her she didn’t want any of us to be angry. Or sad. Because Kara was at peace with it.

And not being angry or sad would be the best way to honor Kara. I get that mentally. I do. But it’s just so freaking HARD.

And throw on top of it that I found out I have ANOTHER disc in my back with an EFFING CRACK IN IT. And I want to spew a long string of obscenities.

But I know that won’t help. It won’t make my back better. It won’t bring Kara back.

When I woke up this morning I decided to pull up my big girl panties. So I got up, took a shower and put my makeup on. Then I got to work.