Am I the only one who is getting irritated by Facebook and social media? Don’t get me wrong – I love Facebook. I’m on there every day. I love seeing pictures of my friends and their kids. And there’s some really funny stuff on there.
But I read through my feed some days and wonder when it became one giant advertisement. And not just from businesses wanting to sell you something you don’t need and didn’t even know you wanted. Is it just me or is Facebook becoming the site for inadvertent PR campaigns for the kind of person or family we want other people to think we are or have? I could be wrong.
It just seems to me like Facebook has become synonymous with superficiality. Look at our new house! And our new car! And our vacation! And my dinner! And our perfect family photo! And this! And that!
But it’s not just houses, vacations and cars. It’s designer clothes and shoes and bags. And Girls Night Out. And black tie events. And check-ins at concerts, theaters and boutiques. And somebody wants 1 million likes. Or complaints about a business. Or a cryptic message about how the poster hates it when people do fill-in-the-blank and you’re left wondering if the post was really about you.
And all of this breeds a never ending cycle of comparison. If I want to see how my family “stacks up,” I can simply log on to Facebook or Instagram or Twitter. And it’s right there for me to see. Except that the view of people we see on social media isn’t the whole picture.
And let me just say that I don’t begrudge people any of their houses, cars, dinners out or vacations. I guess I’m just wondering when we moved away from dinner parties and potlucks as a way to connect with our friends to this virtual scrapbook format. We can connect with lots more people this way, sure, but in a very shallow way. I fully admit that I’ve engaged in the facade, too. And I’m left asking myself a lot of questions.
Why does everyone need to know when I’m hanging out with one of my besties for a few hours of girl talk and some wine? Do I need to broadcast to my entire social network that a whack job of a person was in the waiting room at my doctor’s office? And if you break down such a status update, isn’t that basically the same thing as being a gossip or making fun of someone? For what purpose? To make me feel better about myself?
Couldn’t I be doing something a little more productive? Like reading an awesome book or being observant enough to know that someone is having difficulty opening the door? The answer is yes. And when I think about it that way, I’m not that proud of myself.
For grins, I logged onto Facebook as I was writing this post, and the following types of status updates were in my feed:
- Posts related to politics (It’s ugly out there right now.)
- International and domestic travel posts
- A handful of happy or gratitude posts
- Educational Article links
- Something funny
- Look What I Just Bought posts
- Super cute photos
I love a good discussion of a controversial topic as much as the next person, but I don’t think Facebook is the best place for that discussion to occur. Attacking someone on Facebook probably isn’t going to make them see your side of things. Why don’t people with differing views on a subject get together for an old fashioned chat over coffee (or via Skype)? Where facial expressions and tone can be interpreted the way they were intended.
When I stopped to consider what was in my feed, I pretty quickly determined what wasn’t. And what was not in my feed is the real nitty gritty stuff of life. The hard stuff. The stuff that binds people together. What usually isn’t in my feed are descriptions of situations that make people sad, that expose a person’s fragility and unmasks whatever it is that they are trying to hide. Why is that?
It’s prettier, for sure, to paint a certain picture of your life to your “friends” online. But if you share your moments of weakness, admit you aren’t sure how to handle a situation, or open yourself up, you might learn something really, truly powerful. Like who your real friends are.
And that truth is sometimes hard to swallow. Because sometimes people you thought were your friends really aren’t. But when the dust settles and the sting subsides, your people will be there for you. And not just on Facebook. No, your people will be at your door. In real life. Usually with food.
I’m going to embrace the “Unfriend” and “Unfollow” buttons. I hope that by saying no, my feed won’t be so jammed full of stuff I don’t care about and I’ll be able to identify situations where I can say yes to my people. Yes to building deeper friendships. Yes to living a life not tethered to my computer and smartphone. Yes to my kids. Yes to Stephen. Yes to myself.
I’d rather invest my time and energy on the people on whom I can count. Not those who merely keep count.
my husband calls it, alternating: ComplainBook and BragBook for many of the reasons you listed. The connection to real people and real conversation is irreplaceable. Thanks for this post.
My Facebook friends are almost all people who live far away – from my home town, college, and the place I lived for over 20 years before moving away. I like anything they choose to post, with the exception of multiple syrupy inspirational messages. It’s the only contact I have with them, and many I will never see again. It’s a way to maintain old friendships, and I am quite comfortable using “unfriend” when needed!
Fantastic Post! I agree with everything you have spelled out. I struggled with the “unfriend” button for some time. Will they notice if I unfriended them? Does that make me bad? Blah, blah, blah. You have just given me permission to unfriend a few other people on there. I feel like Facebook can work if people mutually agree to engage in a social conversation of interest however, that just does not happen. I have attempted to open up conversation with friends, in a social way with questions. I get nothing. I have considered deleting FB for some time now but as Deb S said, I also have family and friends in another country and I have tried (in vain for the most part) to stay connected with my country people this way. I love a good blog as much as the next person but lately am enjoying stepping away from the computer more often to read a book, bake a cake with my girl, ride my bike and chat up some strangers at Starbucks over a latte. REAL connection.
I agree completely, I was on Facebook for almost a year and I decided that for the amount of time I spent on it (in relation to what I got from it) that it was a ridiculous waste of time. So I got off and haven’t missed it since. Too many superficial and fake posts, too many nasty political comments, too many ads. yes there are some nice posts but not enough to warrant hours of my time!
I quit facebook over a year ago and haven’t looked back! Best decision! I focus more on my present life instead of the lives of people I didn’t even talk to in real life!
My husband & I totally quit the facebook approx. a month ago… wow, the time waster revelation! AND it is much easier to set some technology standards & guidelines for the tweens in the house too. By example! 🙂
love it!
I also hate the brag level on FB. I now post once in a while on happier.com. It’s a site where people really do post small moments of their days, and reading about these moments makes me smile. There are no mandatory signing up and giving all kinds of data. It’s just you posting about seeing the moon and reading everyone else’s small beauties. You might want to give it a try.
hmbalison
oh my goodness, yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve been thinking about deactivating my account for some time, but haven’t bit the bullet yet. I don’t know if I need to. I’ve put an extension on my browser to limit the time I spend on the site (it’s called WasteNoTime for Chrome). The first limit I set myself was 5 minutes during the day, and 10 minutes in the evening, and I don’t even use that quota now (I only set it last week). I’ve been thinking hard about the value that things add to my life, and if anything Facebook takes value away from me. I’ve been unfriending left right and centre, those people that I haven’t spoken to in years.
I realised that I wanted to have a choice about the memories that I brought up, rather than them being randomly triggered by random status updates on fb. FB just leads to comparison as you say, and makes me lose appreciation for my own life. Opening up on FB, i.e. posting my blog on there, has had mixed results. I long for real engagement and connection, and FB doesn’t provide that.
Ooo I may try out happier.com as hmbalison recommends. it sounds good.
I’m so much more conscious of what social media makes me feel, and taking a decision whether to invite things into my life.
Brilliant post, Kandice! 🙂
I agree with a lot of what you say, and the comparison really gets me. I have a lot of friends babies very close in age to Little Fearse, so the inevitable parenting comparisons (from which I am sadly not immune) happen constantly.
There are at least three instances that come to mind straight away that have given me a different perspective on FB, though. One was a private group a friend started when she was having a double mastectomy. She needed support and she wanted to share her story with those that she was seeking support from without having to tell every new piece of news to each person individually. There were lots of chances to ask questions, offer encouragement or make boob jokes. I think everyone enjoyed feeling that they were ‘in the loop’. When she had the operation someone started a food train and meals were provided from the group for several weeks. It was pretty powerful, actually. The two other instances are friends who are currently dealing with really tough life situations – a new breast cancer diagnosis and a dad who is suffering from dementia. Both of these friends share the ups and downs – talk about the people they meet through dealing with their challenges – the bad days are discussed, the good days are shared. I don’t envy any of these people their current situations but I do admire their approaches to these challenges and feel that they have used social networking to gain the support they need without having to physically socialise at a time that it wouldn’t always be possible.
Sorry my reply is so long-winded, but I have been surprised that no matter how much I dislike FB, things like this make me want to keep connecting.
I have a FB account . . . kind of. I only have three friends, my husband and children. I post nothing and have no pictures. I use it for the chat and to see what my children are up to, so I spend very little time on it and that is the way I am going to keep it.
To me facebook has lost it’s appeal. What with paid advertisements by unknown marketers and now FBs decision to allow publication of beheading videos (despite public outcry) FB isn’t the warm friendly place it use to be. Google+ anyone… ?
A trusted friend changed my password while I am writing my thesis because FB was too much of a distraction. I love it for the photos, a way to stay in touch with friends and family who live far away, but I’ve also unfriended family members and used the handy block feature to keep my news stream fun and interesting. While I do miss FB some, it hasn’t been enough for me to beg for access! 🙂
Kandice, you hit the nail on the head with the Facebook stuff. That’s why I do not use Facebook. I’d rather get together with people than reading trivial stuff everyone posts there. Linda in NH
Your most brilliant entry yet… I am considering a FB fast for 30 days.